Basic training in the army

meant getting whipped into shape.

No man entered the mess hall

before completing 25 push-ups,

sit-ups and pull-ups.

At the end of 16 weeks of training,

we had to complete a 40 mile hike

carrying 60 pounds of equipment.

We set off on the march, chanting:

Every night before Retreat,

Sergeant Baxter beats his meat,

Sound off, hut, toop. threep. fourp.

The Catholic Chaplain lectured us

on the sin of Onanism. suggesting

we not think of girls, but focus on

basketball and cold showers instead.

Too bad he never heard of Woody Allen,

who counseled, “Don’t knock masturbation.

It’s making love with someone you love.”