At the Port of Embarkation,

they came in droves,

weeping and bleeding

to our psychiatric clinic

escorted by Military Police.

We administered

sodium-pentothal interviews

to find out if their suicidal gestures

were authentic or fake.

The phonies were court martialed,

and sentenced to hard labor in the stockade,

before being dishonorably discharged

as cowardly malingerers.

The genuinely suicidal were hospitalized

and medically discharged under Section 8:

“Mentally unfit for military duty.”

Our psychiatrist, Captain Greene

confessed that after reading

“The Red Badge of Courage,”

he always wondered which way

he would run when under fire.

He was reassured by his reaction

to a robbery in progress one night

while eating a burger at the White Castle.

He leapt into action by turning lights

on and off until police arrived.

Doesn’t every man want to know

how brave he would be when tested?